Another Kind of Closet

Coming out of the closet is a common phrase -- when you are speaking of homosexuality. What you may not know is that it has also been applied to atheism. After all, are not both groups often condemned to hell by fundamentalists? Do not both groups have to face an ordeal when informing friends and family members of their true inclinations? The main question faced by both groups is: How do I tell them?

A fortunate few are raised in open-minded, free-thinking homes. These atheists are able to simply say, "I'm an atheist," without fear of recrimination from their loved ones. These atheists can face their friends with a lifetime's knowledge of who they are and what they think. These atheists are amazingly lucky, and they are able to skip one of atheism's greatest hurdles.

For the rest of us, there comes the time when we must decide how to look our parents (and friends, and co-workers, and extended families) in the eyes and tell them that we have rejected a lifetime of teaching. We must explain to them that not only is this not a failing on their part, it is not a failing at all. We are forced to find a way to explain to those who love us best that we have found what we consider to be a better way.

I find that it is very important to remember how much these individuals do care for us. Our parents raised us, our grandparents spoiled us, our friends chose us, and our co-workers respect us. It is from these feelings that they are acting, regardless of how they react to discovering atheism in someone they love. Even if they scream, shout, cry, condemn to hell, or even separate you from their lives, it is because of the depth of feeling they hold for you. We are not excited by the fate of those we do not care about. While they may not be showing the best judgement, or the most maturity, in their reactions, it is important to remember that it is because they care. It is only by remembering this small fact that we are able to cope with the ugly reactions this statement may incur.

There are as many theories on how to "come out" as there are atheists who are going to need to choose between them. I have a few words to say on what I believe (and have seen to be) the best method for this. But first, a few words on some methods you may want to steer clear of.

1. Do not reveal your atheism in the heated and passionate moments of an argument with someone you love. Do not tell them out of spite, or out of a desire to hurt them. Not only is this unnecessarily cruel, but it belittles the importance of what you are saying, and of what you feel. I made this mistake with my mother. My only excuse is that I was young.
2. Do not wait until you are in a moment of extremis before you choose to reveal your decisions. I made the mistake of waiting until I was on a hospital bed awaiting a life-saving surgery before I informed my father of my atheism. I will always regret not sitting him down and telling him in a more reasoned manner.
3. Last, but definitely not least, do not let them read about it in the paper! This may sound odd, but it happened to me, with my extended family, and it resulted in a lot of hurt feelings. At the request of my mother, I kept my atheism quiet around my family. So when a newspaper article appeared detailing atheism in Oklahoma, they were quite surprised. I wish now I'd told them myself, whatever my mother's wishes.

Okay, now that I've covered all the ways I've made mistakes in this matter, I would like to say that there are some times I've gotten it right. I told my brother in a quiet, reasonable discussion. The same with most of my friends, and with my co-workers.

So what should be said in these quiet, reasonable discussion? I think that it is best to begin small. Remind the person of your history with them, and of what you've meant to each other. Remind them that nothing could change that, and nothing can make you into anyone other than the person that they have known and cared about. This will serve to help them keep your relationship in mind as you discuss religion. It will allow them to remember why they need to keep an open mind, and why they need to listen to what you have to say.

It is hard to know where you should go after this. If your loved one is a rational, logical person, you may be able to follow with a discussion of your reasons for selecting atheism as opposed to religion. Even if they do not agree, perhaps they will understand your thinking, and accept it. Show them the philosophical, metaphysical, and scientific basis for atheism.

If your loved one is more of an emotional type, the kind to appeal to love and light in defense of their religion, I would suggest a different approach. You can tell them about the mental and emotional freedom that comes with atheism. You can explain to them the exhilaration of using your mental and emotional facilities to determine your own path for yourself, without recourse to the laws of a religion. Explain to them the way your self-esteem is bolstered by your ability to rely on yourself for your present and future.

But also explain, to either type, the web of friends and family that are necessary in times of trouble. Explain to them how much you will continue to need their friendship and love. Explain that this in no way diminishes any relationship between the two (or three, etc.) of you, and that the affection you all feel for each other cannot be changed.

In the end, there is nothing you can do to force a person to understand your decision, if they choose not to. Remind yourself of their feelings for you, and yours for them. Remind yourself that you have chosen your path, and you cannot allow them to create unhappiness for you because of it. You are the person that you have grown to be. You accept them as they are, and you ask nothing more than that they do the same for you. If they can manage this, than you can maintain healthy relationships with those around you.

If they cannot manage this, there are still ways to get along, short of hiding your atheism from them. Some choose to simply not discuss it. There are houses in which religion and politics are never mentioned for these very reasons. You can simply agree to disagree, and let it be done. But even these methods require some acceptance on both parts.

What if no acceptance can be found? You have two choices in this circumstance. One is that you can deny what you have already chosen to be the best philosophy for yourself and accept the philosophy that has been chosen for you. The second choice is to separate yourself from those who would deny you as you are. You may choose not to associate with them until they are able to take you for yourself, and to appreciate you as such.

Neither of these choices is easy, or desirable. We all wish to be loved and accepted for who and what we are, regardless. We wish that those we have spent our lives loving will continue to try to understand us, regardless. And, with luck, we can get our wish.

I, myself, will wish everyone luck in this circumstance. I hope that those you love will listen to you, and try to understand. I hope that your friends will remain friendly, and that you can be honest in your beliefs at work without fear. I hope that someday everyone will enjoy these freedoms, regardless of what their beliefs actually are. And, last of all, I hope that the advice found here will be of some help to you when it comes time for you to leave your closet.

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